Rambling Thoughts: Introversion, Food and Anxiety

Gypsy - my cat - the most introverted of our three cats

I've had a conversation with two different friends in recent weeks (both self-identify as at least mildly introverted) - the conversation stemmed from my personal observation and belief that people who are very extroverted/social do not or can not comprehend those of us who are NOT social and prefer to not be in groups of people in a social way.  It's as though they believe something is wrong with us and that if we would just try harder and do more/different/insert-this-particular social thing(s), we would enjoy it.  My personal experience is that this is not the case.

There have also been many, many conversations with my long-suffering (but mostly equally introverted) husband about this sort of thing lately.  I am so very thankful that he shares my love of being at home.

Recently I'm finding that my personal threshold for social things has lowered sharply.  And by lowered sharply I mean plummeted off a cliff to a bottomless cavern of "NOOOOOOO!"

We started attending our church a little over a year ago.  During this first year we have really tried to stretch outside of our comfort zone and do things.  We've attended meetings, functions, pot-lucks, game night, and even managed to have dinner with other families a few times.  Most of these things have been what I would consider a high-level success.  Meaning I didn't hyperventilate or cry or cancel - even when I was stressed out about attending, etc.

In spite of my gut reaction (mostly fear and dread) to an announcement or invitation, I have tried to be brave and go and do.  At this point, I am considering that perhaps that exerted effort was not wise on my part... or that quite possibly I have reached the expiration of my '12 month free trial' of social interaction and there is no 'renewal' button.

The friends we've been making and the people at our church are lovely and wonderful.  They are truly kind and friendly and I honestly do enjoy them  - in limited doses and one-on-one situations.  Really! Coffee visit with one or two?  Absolutely! No stress & no problem.

When it gets more complex than that - my food anxiety begins and my social aversion kicks in.  I don't really like food - well... I like some foods... that I make, that don't involve too many ingredients together, and things touching each other, and absolutely ONLY are things I can identify and have eaten before.  Or things that are only chocolate or ice cream in familiar flavors.
If things combine more than a few people AND food, I am instantly well outside my comfort zone.  This zone feels like it is shrinking daily right now and it is seriously looming as a perfectly valid reason to consider a move to an isolated place and become a hermit.

It is a very difficult thing to try and let people know that I really do want to be friends, but only in very small and controlled situations can I be mildly social & comfortable enough to not put on a mask of 'everything is fine' but I am panicking inside.  I'm struggling to figure out how to obey the command of scripture to put other's needs (to be social, to eat together, etc) ahead of my own need to not have an anxiety attack and cry in public.

I'm sure there is a balance some place, but I haven't quite figured it out yet.  Clearly much more prayer is needed and perhaps a considerable amount of coffee and chocolate as well.

Blessings on the journey~

Still Not Really Spring

A little of this and a little of that sort of post.

Such is life where we live... winter comes and just stays and stays.  April 1st and this is the view from the back door.  Lots of snow piled up still and a plank bridge out to the chicken coop for those warm/wet/muddy days when the yard turns into a bog.

Now to be fair, we've had tremendous amounts of melting and the dirt road we live on is a rutted mess on a good day and a quagmire on a warmer day.  This is also known as 'mud season' where we live, so it is all to be expected.

We are plodding along (sometimes literally!), Steve and I have begun our almost daily walks again - which is so lovely! There is a nice loop about 3 miles long that we do together and chat about everything and anything. It is time I cherish with the man I love.

The kids are entering the home stretch of our school year and as this is now officially the end of Jess' Jr. year (we have re-shuffled things due to a change of heart on her part), we are also making plans to meet with a college adviser, attend a few college fairs and looking towards some campus visits in the coming weeks.

Ben has begun learning to drive so I'm spending lots of time in the passenger seat again.  We are also contemplating the purchase of a new vehicle and that is producing not-a-little-bit of anxiety for me as I try to sort through models and trim lines, needs vs. nice-to-haves, do test drives, research pricing and financing options, etc.  Not my most favorite thing, but a necessary evil in the world of car buying.

This coming Sunday is Easter (Resurrection Sunday) and we will be officially accepted into membership at our church (MCC) and I'm feeling rather happy about that fact.

Blessings on the journey all~

Random Brain Ramblings

I haven't posted much of late as I've been sort of in a low spot in many ways and have had trouble pulling my brain out of the fog for more than is required for just general life a lot of the time.
We've had a very long stretch of cycling snow storms and freezing cold temperatures and that has caused it's own issues as well as creating a certain amount of drab feelings and cabin fever alternatingly (is that really a word?).

We've had frozen heat pipes, a giant frost heave just outside the garage door, the chicken coop is at a definite angle - probably also due to frost heaves, we've had ice dams and leaking into the house, and as of yesterday, a different heating pipe has begun to leak and the plumber can't come until next week Tuesday.  I've had a weird tendonitis thing in my right hand/wrist that has made life very challenging and has completely thwarted my self-therapy of sewing.  The dog had surgery and then a weird doggie vertigo episode that has resulted in lots of vet visits and bills.

All this is fairly negative on the surface, however there have been many good things and bright spots as well.
There are things to be thankful for even when things are hard:

• After my temper-tantrum with God back in September (mom-camp), we started attending church in Peterborough (Monadnock Congregational Church) and that has been a tremendous blessing and source of peace.  Steve and I even attended membership class with the Pastor and are planning to become members during the month of March (Lord willing).
• We've had some rough spots with friends and family that have required us to speak up and step out of our normal non-confrontational lifestyle to deal with uncomfortable issues - this has resulted in shifts in relationships that prayerfully God is putting on the right track again.
• Almost all of the house issues have resolved - mostly - without any really dreadful situations or too horrendous of expenses.  And we are really evaluating what is needful for projects and home improvements both long and short-term.  I do see having to paint the family room this year after the water leaking in left water spots on the ceiling, but that was sort of needful anyway.
• My chiropractor has made great improvement in my hand/wrist with a new technique.
• Today it is 40 degrees and the sun is peaking out!
• The kids are healthy and doing well with their school work and we are working on our plans for next year including starting to look at colleges for Jess.
• Ben is learning to drive.
• I'm reading several books right now.
• Steve built Jess some fun built-in bookshelves in her room.

• Steve is working on building me a design wall for my sewing room.
• My chickens are all still laying and seem to be surviving their first winter okay.
• My new cat Gypsy is settling in nicely and loves to sit on my desk with me.
• We have had some great silly laugh-fests when we get a bit stir crazy.
• I've got lots of projects to work on once my hand heals enough to get back to sewing.
• There is prayer meeting on Thursday evenings at church and it's wonderful.
• There is coffee and chocolate and fudge in my world.
• I have a husband who is truly amazing, loves me so and cares for me completely, and we've just celebrated 19 years of marriage!
• My kids are awesome, smart, funny and very helpful.
• I have dear friends to share with, laugh with and who will keep me in prayer.
• I know that Jesus loves me and will carry me through the toughest things by His grace & mercy.

Blessings on the journey~

Halfway through 2014

We are half-way through 2014 and WOW has it seemed to fly by so far!  July 1st already!

It's been a pretty busy year with more changes than I can remember, but generally it has been a really great year for our family.  We have seen God moving and growing/changing us all, which is always a very cool thing to see even when it doesn't especially feel comfortable.

Right now we are in the midst of a pretty ambitious home-improvement project to benefit J&B and their friends.  I'm pretty astonished at what has been accomplished in about a month's time - mostly by the efforts of my most awesome and amazing husband with some handy help from B and his friends and a bit of painting on my part.   Big reveal will come when we are done.

I haven't forgotten about the book study posting, just slow going as I've been doing a lot of other reading as well lately.  I finished Love Does by Bob Goff and was blown away, challenged, and encouraged.  I would put it on your 'must read' list if you have such a thing.  I also read Notes from a Blue Bike by Tsh Oxenreider and would recommend that as well, though I do disagree with her claim that it is absolutely needful to travel outside the country with your family... I'm not a big traveler anyway and have pretty much no desire at all to leave the country.

Blessings on the journey,