Random Brain Ramblings

I haven't posted much of late as I've been sort of in a low spot in many ways and have had trouble pulling my brain out of the fog for more than is required for just general life a lot of the time.
We've had a very long stretch of cycling snow storms and freezing cold temperatures and that has caused it's own issues as well as creating a certain amount of drab feelings and cabin fever alternatingly (is that really a word?).

We've had frozen heat pipes, a giant frost heave just outside the garage door, the chicken coop is at a definite angle - probably also due to frost heaves, we've had ice dams and leaking into the house, and as of yesterday, a different heating pipe has begun to leak and the plumber can't come until next week Tuesday.  I've had a weird tendonitis thing in my right hand/wrist that has made life very challenging and has completely thwarted my self-therapy of sewing.  The dog had surgery and then a weird doggie vertigo episode that has resulted in lots of vet visits and bills.

All this is fairly negative on the surface, however there have been many good things and bright spots as well.
There are things to be thankful for even when things are hard:

• After my temper-tantrum with God back in September (mom-camp), we started attending church in Peterborough (Monadnock Congregational Church) and that has been a tremendous blessing and source of peace.  Steve and I even attended membership class with the Pastor and are planning to become members during the month of March (Lord willing).
• We've had some rough spots with friends and family that have required us to speak up and step out of our normal non-confrontational lifestyle to deal with uncomfortable issues - this has resulted in shifts in relationships that prayerfully God is putting on the right track again.
• Almost all of the house issues have resolved - mostly - without any really dreadful situations or too horrendous of expenses.  And we are really evaluating what is needful for projects and home improvements both long and short-term.  I do see having to paint the family room this year after the water leaking in left water spots on the ceiling, but that was sort of needful anyway.
• My chiropractor has made great improvement in my hand/wrist with a new technique.
• Today it is 40 degrees and the sun is peaking out!
• The kids are healthy and doing well with their school work and we are working on our plans for next year including starting to look at colleges for Jess.
• Ben is learning to drive.
• I'm reading several books right now.
• Steve built Jess some fun built-in bookshelves in her room.

• Steve is working on building me a design wall for my sewing room.
• My chickens are all still laying and seem to be surviving their first winter okay.
• My new cat Gypsy is settling in nicely and loves to sit on my desk with me.
• We have had some great silly laugh-fests when we get a bit stir crazy.
• I've got lots of projects to work on once my hand heals enough to get back to sewing.
• There is prayer meeting on Thursday evenings at church and it's wonderful.
• There is coffee and chocolate and fudge in my world.
• I have a husband who is truly amazing, loves me so and cares for me completely, and we've just celebrated 19 years of marriage!
• My kids are awesome, smart, funny and very helpful.
• I have dear friends to share with, laugh with and who will keep me in prayer.
• I know that Jesus loves me and will carry me through the toughest things by His grace & mercy.

Blessings on the journey~

Adventures at Mom Camp

**Long and rambly**

Last weekend I did something totally outside my comfort zone and while it started off pretty rocky, it wound up being okay.
Backing up a bit... a few weeks ago I got a text from a friend (A) inviting me to join her and another friend (L) for a women's retreat weekend at Camp Berea up in Hebron, NH.  This seemed to be perhaps a providential invitation as I'd just recently mentioned to both Steve and L that I was feeling somewhat that I needed a 'camp' experience like the kids enjoyed over the summer to hear from Jesus more clearly.  Steve agreed that I should go, so I signed up and we waited.
The week prior I offered to drive for carpooling - mostly because I like to drive when I go places with other people (other than Steve).  It worked well for both friends because of various family car issues happening at both homes.  It would turn out that God would show how He had a hand in that little decision.
On the designated Friday, we loaded up the car - after Jess helped me get everything to fit in my bags and Ben carried all the luggage for me.   Then I set off to pick up L first before heading over to get A.  At L's we loaded her stuff into the car and after many tears from her youngest child, we set off for the 20 minute drive to A's house.  On the way we talked about how odd it felt to be leaving our families like this and that it somehow seemed 'wrong' to both of us.
At A's, she happily climbed into the backseat after her family helped load things up, and then we were off with a drive of 1.5 hours ahead of us.  We chatted as we drove with both L and I sharing with A our hesitancy about this weekend away and A sharing how she was really in need of this time away.
None of us had ever been to Berea for a women's retreat before this, though I did participate in a week of summer camp there when I was about 8-9 I think.  We arrived with many, many other women at the camp shortly before 5:30 and checked in, got our bags into our assigned cabin and made our way to the dining hall for dinner.
At this point I was already feeling pretty close to completely overwhelmed.  I'd never been to something like this before and had no idea what to expect or what would happen. There were well over 200 women there, we were sharing a double room space with 9 other ladies that we didn't know but who all knew one another.  Dinner was a buffet that was bountiful but by the time we got our food and found a place to sit most of it was cold and unappetizing.  There was a salad bar and chocolate cake - so not a total loss.

After dinner we were supposed to head up to the gym for our first session of the weekend.  On the way up I found a staff person and asked if he could please turn the heat on in our room as it was already really pretty cold and temperatures were supposed to be in the low 30's overnight.
The worship band was Alanna Story and they were very talented and I enjoyed them.  The main speaker for the weekend was Jodi Greenstreet of CrossTrainer's Ministry from Canada.  She was incredibly high energy and obviously very excited about the weekend.
Just before she began to speak, I was suddenly overwhelmed with anxiety and had to leave the gym.  I phoned Steve and paced outside the gym crying while talking with him that I wanted to come home, that this wasn't for me and he tried to talk me off the ledge and calm me down.  He reminded me that I wasn't alone, that L & A were there with me, that I hadn't given it a chance yet, that I'd be fine!  L came out at one point to check on me and grasped my arms whispering "You can't leave me here!"  After I'd calmed down and pulled myself together, I told Steve I'd give it a chance and that I really couldn't leave because I was the driver and I couldn't strand my friends.  There were some jokes made about how someone should have brought a bottle of wine.  After the session was over - and I'd had no more anxiety attacks - I called Steve and told him I'd survived and I'd talk to him tomorrow.  We went to the bookstore and bought travel mugs for coffee and then went and had a snack in the dining hall before bedtime.
I didn't sleep much, it was well after midnight before I was able to fall asleep at all and then I was up every hour checking the clock and praying that God would speed up time so I could go home.  This was definitely not fun and I was not hearing from God or enjoying myself at all.
In the morning one of the options was a guided prayer hike at 7am, we opted to grab coffee in our travel mugs and go get some exercise and spend some time with the Lord.  There was a woman who led the group - maybe 25 of us - up a short hill and along a short ridge line above the camp with several stops to focus on different aspects of prayer.  As I walked I wrestled with God in prayer.  I spent time confessing to God my bad attitude, that I didn't want to be there, then thanking Him for the beauty of the woods and the weather and all the blessings in my life, and confessing more about how disappointed and angry I've been feeling with our current church experience.  After our 45 minutes in the woods it was time to head to breakfast and then to our first session.  Fresh coffee helped to fend off another anxiety attack and I didn't bolt this time though I felt the bad attitude simmering just below the surface.

After our morning session the 3 of us went for a short walk for exercise then we all went to lunch and the afternoon stretched before us with options for seminars or nothingness as we chose.  For most of the afternoon we opted to just hang out in the room and do nothing much at all.  I had brought some hand sewing to work on, so we just sat and chatted and rested.  I had been texting with Jess and she was teasing me about wanting to come home.  Her sense of humor helps a lot in tense times for me.
Finally it was dinner time and it was a themed dinner with costumes, etc.  The 3 of us opted to not participate in the dress-up, but it was interesting to see how all-out some of the ladies had gone to be 'by the sea' for the evening.  Dinner was actually really good and we all enjoyed it, then there was a comedienne that provided entertainment before our evening session.  She was really funny and we laughed and laughed.
I talked to Jess briefly on the phone before the evening session and she encouraged me to "learn something about Jesus" with her usual dose of humor for her home-sick mama.  Then it was time for worship band to begin.  The music started and we all stood and sang a few songs and then they asked us to sit down.  One of the women began to speak - I'm not even sure all that she said only I could feel my heart beginning to crack.  Then they began to sing a song they'd written.

All around me women began to cry and A began to softly sob beside me.  I sat in my chair wrestling with my pride, fighting my heart.  At last I let go and fell to my knees in prayer and tears.  It was one of the few times in my life where I felt myself fall into God in all the raw emotion and need for His touch on my heart & soul.  The tears fell hot from my eyes as I sobbed and prayed.  At last I was able to quiet and sit back into my chair.  After a few more songs, Jodi came to speak and I heard the story of Peter & Jesus in a fresh way and found myself relaxing and relating as she taught about some of the ways Peter had failed and tried again, over and over.
After the session, A went straight to bed and L and I went for snack and then a walk around camp in the mild weather.  Again it was well after midnight before sleep would come, but at least this time I felt calmer and was able to snatch about 2 hours at a time between wakeful fits.  I was up early and we were packed and ready to go before breakfast.  The 3 of us grabbed coffee and sat by the water waiting for breakfast. We ate and then loaded all our things into the car before our final session.

The morning opened with communion and song.  It was beautiful and an awesome experience.  Probably one of the best times of communion I've enjoyed in many years.  I felt close to Jesus and open to hearing Him speak through scripture as Jodi shared her last message with us.  It wasn't earth shattering, I didn't hear voices from Heaven or anything.  Just honesty from the scripture about how we meet Jesus in our present moment, not counting on anything more than this moment and not holding or comparing to anything or anyone else from prior moments.  An excellent reminder and a push to engage in the present in new ways with fresh eyes and open hands.
As we drove home we shared and talked, laughed and cried a bit.  It was a good time of growing our friendship and I was able to honestly thank A for inviting me to go.
I had written Steve an email on Saturday telling him what I think sums up the experience. I'd wanted to come to a women's retreat because so many people I know have gone at different times and raved about the experience.  I felt that I needed to see for myself so I'd know if I was really missing some deep spiritual experience with Jesus that could only happen away from my family and my normal life.  Turns out that the answer to that is - for me - no.
I did encounter Jesus of course, but I encounter Jesus every day and even every moment if I'm paying attention enough.  The experience taught me that I really hate being away from my family.  I don't like crowds, I'm not comfortable with strangers and I really prefer to sleep in my own bed and eat what I choose.  Time with my friends is really wonderful and I hope we can find ways to get together more often at home.
In looking back at the weekend, I can mostly say that I'm glad I had the experience, but I won't do it again.  If I could have escaped on Friday night, I'd have done it in a blink and this is where it was proved that God uses things we don't expect.  I was trapped by my sense of responsibility to my friends because I drove and was forced to walk a weekend road I'd much rather not walk.  But God doesn't waste any experience in our lives and I suppose in hind-sight the time away brought me to my knees over some hurts and anger I've been holding onto and God was able to work those out of me.  For His forgiveness and grace I am always thankful.

Many thanks to A and L for their amazing patience and gracious kindness during my anxiety attacks and dramatic fits.

Blessings on the journey~

Prayer View

I took this photo one morning as I sat by the stove doing my 'quiet time' over scripture and a bible study book.
The light filtered through the curtain as the sun came up burning gold and orange and I was thinking that day how God's mercies are new every morning, regardless of the view out my window.

Over the past few weeks I've been wrestling with some weighty thoughts and struggling to make sense of my emotions regarding changing relationships and to do lists and politics and budgets.  So many things swirling in my head that the noise is deafening at times and I just want to sit and be still under a blanket by the stove.  My mornings in the chair with a Bible (or a kindle) on my lap, sometimes a cat as well - are quiet and still and sometimes I hear from God there and other times the noise in my head drowns out what He is trying to teach me.  I know this and sometimes I can quiet the noise enough to hear and other times I just pray - "God - you know what I need, I can't be still, help!"
Thankfully, I belong to a Savior who is beyond patient with me... and slowly... slowly... the noise in my head is becoming less of a roar.  If he can calm the storm of wind and waves - I'm sure he can handle me and whatever little emotional hurricane is whistling through my head.  And for this truth I am most grateful.
We've now been a year in our new home and I've decided that there are some perks to moving where things are still somewhat familiar.  To be true there are LOTS of new things in our lives, but simple things like the fact that I still shop at the same grocery store chain and big things like the fact that our dearest family friends are right here in town, have made moving so much easier!
We are in a season of learning how good/strong community and healthy/helpful relationships are formed and what that looks like in real life, small town, friends, etc.  I'm reading a really tremendous book right now, Authentic Relationships by Wayne Jacobsen & Clay Jacobsen.  I'm certain God is going to use it in a powerful way for me.

One truth that I learned this week was that I can't be restrictive in my head about how God is going to answer prayer in my life.  I can't be so narrow in my view of what He can/will do that I don't see him using the unexpected to answer prayer - He will do what He will do and I can't say 'do it my way'.... well, I can say that, but I'm very likely going to miss His answer in my stubbornness and pride.
For a long time I'd been praying that God would send my kids good friends and put people in their lives that would walk alongside them in their faith journey, people that loved Jesus and would be encouraging, helpful, and fun.  It took a lot of years and a move to Temple for God to answer - a completely unexpected means of making His answer known, but He is faithful and he DID answer.
We are in a season of praying over several other things and seeking God's answers for us... I'm sometimes slow to learn, but am confident of the fact that He will answer us in His time and I just want to make sure that I'm watching for and aware (as much as I can be) of every means of His provision for our family.

Blessings on the journey~

Prayers from the Pews

I'd seen some posts about this book before the release and then read several reviews after the release as a Kindle book.  I was impressed and intrigued as I've been reading Terri Lynne for a while and always learn something from her writing.  God has used her writing to teach me a lot in fact.


I think it was last week when someone posted on facebook that the book was available for free that day so I snatched it up (or down?) for my Kindle.  (It's only $4.99 now)    And during my morning quiet/devotional time I've been reading it... pondering, praying, absorbing.  This small book is just amazing so far. 

Yesterday I reached 56% done (that is just how Kindle measures things - I have no idea if it translates into real pages or not).  This is the part of the book where it begins to be prayers for our church - God's church - The Bride of Christ ... all based on scripture in the book of Acts.

Yesterday I prayed this page:

"And the congregation of those who believed were of one heart..." ~Acts 4:32 NASB

Lord, we pray our faith fellowship will be bound with one heart - a heart that seeks You, is passionate for You, longs for You alone.  As we grow in one heart for You, fill us with great love and compassion for one another as well.  Cause us to lay down our own agendas, plans, and desires.  Let them be replaced with humility and love that places others ahead of ourselves.  May we be so consumed with loving and serving that people know it can only be explained by You. Amen.

And today was this and it just took my breath away:

"And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit..." ~Acts 4:2

Lord, we pray that Your church will be filled with the Holy Spirit.  God, that we will be guided by the Teacher and Counselor You have sent to us.  We ask that Your Spirit fill us with the fruit that only comes from You - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.   We pray that , as Your beloved Bride, we will be a radiant picture of Your love for teh world around us.  Keep us, O Lord, from arrogance, competition, and strife between other congregations.  Cause us to walk in one mind, be of one heart, and be ever guided by one Spirit. Amen.

I know that in Christ there are no accidents... nothing passes through my life that is not part of what He has allowed for me.  This book came just now for me because it was the time I needed it most.  Terri Lynne shares her personal journey of hurts and joys in church during the first part of the book and even though I have not walked the same journey, I found much that resonated with my heart and life.  She writes with kindness about difficult things and shares honestly without being harsh at all. 

I look forward to praying through the rest of this book - for my own church body and the Body of Christ world-wide.  She is a wounded and wandering Bride in many places and only Christ's loving touch will restore her and make her ready for the time when He comes to bring her home.

Blessings on the journey~                                                                 Photo credit: raisinghomemakers.com & stock images

Pray

Kat from over at Inspired to Action had this amazing post today.
It comes on the heels of a conversation I had with J & B yesterday.  God's timing is always so cool.

I was talking to them about how I pray for them... and that I had recently come to realize that if ... and it's a BIG IF... but IF I had to choose between them being happy, healthy & having all their dreams come true... OR them following Jesus, I would choose for them to follow Jesus.  That is not to say I want my children to be miserable... but I know that true joy comes from Christ - not from the things of this world and especially not the things the world will tell them will make them happy.
Of course I pray for them to be safe, for God to bless them and guard & protect them in all ways (physical, spiritual & emotional).  But my most fervent prayers for them are to follow Christ...sacrificially...completely... sold out to Jesus with every beat of their hearts.  The way that I want to live... the way I struggle to live.

We clicked through from Kat's blog and watched this video of this song... it took my breath away at times.  Watch it intentionally... THINK... FEEL the depths of the words ringing into your heart.  I so hope that someone prays this way for me.

And the beginning of Francis Chan's sermon after the song has me intrigued... I'm going to see if I can scout up a link to that as well to watch/listen.  If I can find it I will try to come back and add it here later.

UPDATE: Found it!  Go here and scroll to the sermon "Power" by Francis on 7/6/08.  We are listening to it while J does her Algebra test (at her request).




Blessings on the journey,

A Prayer by Francis of Assissi

I had downloaded a free book for my kindle called "Prayers for Today" and it has many good things in it.  This morning I came across this prayer attributed to Francis of Assissi (1181-1226) and was touched. 
I did pray this and acknowledged before the Throne of Grace that I was not quite sincere in that I do long to be comforted & loved, yet I also know that Christ alone will be the fullest source of those things in my life.

 

Photo is a rose window in the Church of Santa Chiara, consecrated in 1265,
across the town from Saint Francis Basilica.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace,

That where there is hatred, may I bring love;

That where there is wrong, may I bring a spirit of forgiveness;

That where there is discord, may I bring harmony;

That where there is error, may I bring truth;

That where there is doubt, may I bring faith;

That where there is despair, may I bring hope;

That where there are shadows, may I bring light;

That where there is sadness, may I bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek to comfort, rather than to be comforted;

To understand rather than to be understood;

To love rather than to be loved;

For it is in giving that we are received; 

It is by forgiving that we are forgiven,

And it is by dying that we awaken to eternal life.

 

A really good weekend

This was a really good long weekend here. 
I had several opportunities during the last few days to pray for our military service people and their families.  May God bless them and keep them all safe from harm as they defend the freedoms we hold dear.  I am so thankful to live in this country and pray that God will protect our nation.
The weather here has been truly spectacular all weekend.  Today we did have a haze of smoke from the Canadian brush fires, but it hasn't been too bad.  I will be praying that no one is hurt in the fires up north.
I've been productive over the last few days. I've managed to get some baking done, some cleaning, and even a bit of sewing.  I finally finished packing up the last school year work for both kids and cleaned off one of the bookcases to get ready for next year.  I even updated our school tracking software on 2 of the computers,  the other two seem to be dead at the moment and need Steve's tech support to revive them.
I was able to go for a long bike ride with the kids on Friday, a run on Saturday, a power walk on Sunday evening, and another run this morning.  I have to keep moving to combat all the junk I've been eating lately.  I made home-made ice cream on Friday night and Steve took us for ice cream at King Kone last night after he got home from his trail race up in Maine.  I am still trying to lose another 10 pounds and feel like I am sabotaging myself by baking and going for ice cream.  At least I'm not gaining... that is a blessing!
Today Steve took me for a ride on the motorcycle and we were tooling up Mack Hill Rd. in Amherst when we paused at the top and I realized the bag on my back was EMPTY!  Panic!  The bottom of the bag had let go and my wallet was in the bag!  Steve told me to get off the bike a minute and he'd turn around so we could back-track.  I climbed off and was shocked to see my wallet sitting on the little metal rack behind the seat!  The road was incredibly bumpy so it must have just fallen out.  I was SO relieved I was almost in tears and was thanking God for his amazing blessing and care. 
We drove along a bit further and Steve remembered he'd had our small digital camera in the bottom of the bag.  Back-tracking all the way home we scanned and searched the roadside to no avail.  Then we took the car and went back again.  This time with the kids and we stopped again at the top of the hill and walked the edges looking for the camera case.  Nothing.   We are disappointed but I am beyond thankful that my wallet is safe.  Prayerfully someone honest will find the camera and return it to us.
In spite of the loss of the camera, the weekend on the whole was good and I am very certain of God's loving care of us all.

A prayer from Scripture

Psalm 119:65-72 (New Living Translation)

 ⁶⁵ You have done many good things for me, Lord,
      just as you promised.
 ⁶⁶ I believe in your commands;
      now teach me good judgment and knowledge.
 ⁶⁷ I used to wander off until you disciplined me;
      but now I closely follow your word.
 ⁶⁸ You are good and do only good;
      teach me your decrees.

God's Practical & Extravagant Provision

In my constant inconsistency of topics to blog about, I thought I'd share a bit about the past 2 weeks struggle with transportation issues for our oldest child.  A is 19 and a student at the local community college.  He is generally a good kid and gives us far less angst than most boys his age I'm sure - though he provides gray hairs for us in his own way. :-)  God is growing him and us through the journey - as it should be.
Anyway... A's car stuff has been an ordeal since he got his license at 18.  We allowed him to buy a car to use and that was its own adventure, but God provided a car that seemed good and it turns out the family selling it - here in town - were Christians and it was a painless experience.  The car was hit about 3 months after he got it and again God provided.  The other person's insurance paid for all repairs instead of totaling the car.  A had to put some money into it last summer to get it to pass inspection, but God provided the means for hard-to-find parts and a knowledgeable person to help him.
So move to now, well, two weeks ago, and the car starts making a bad noise... I mean a BAD noise.  Mechanic friends from church assessed the situation and told A that his engine is going.  Not good.  We seek a 2nd opinion from our local mechanic and he is told the car is very old and not worth trying to save at this point.  Money-pit is the term that Steve used. :-)
So we started praying.  A doesn't have a lot saved up after having paid for tuition for this semester of school in Dec. and we needed to find affordable (read CHEAP), and yet reliable and not total junk.  He needs safe, reliable transportation to get him back and forth to school, work and church.  Turns out that is really tough to find in NH at this point.  But we serve an awesome God who loves us very much and knows what we need, and even the secret desires of our hearts.
Last night A and I took a drive up to Concord to check out a 1994 Honda Accord.
Yes, 1994... as in 16 years old.  But as a Honda, that isn't really a major deal.  We are a Honda family - I'm on my 3rd and Steve is on his 2nd.
A loved the car, it drove great (I drove it), was very clean inside (if not so pretty on the outside) and the guy was very nice... turns out he goes to Manchester Christian Church. I love it when God steers us to certain people.
Back story to part of this is that Steve had a 1994 Honda Accord when A was a kid and sold it before A got his license.  A had really, REALLY wanted that car.
So now he has one - automatic instead of shift, red instead of green - but God gave him what he had been desiring (Extravagant)... AND what he practically (affordable/reliable) needed.  It just curls my toes to see the fingerprints of God in our daily lives, practically and extravagantly at the same time.  In His perfect time.  We have such an awesome God.