Finishing Chapter 1

Sorry to have been so long getting back to finish this chapter.

Readers Guide Question: Ann describes how the death of her sister "tears a hole in the canvas of the world" (p. 16) and later writes, "I wonder... if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop... might actually become a places to see.  To see through to God" (p. 22).  Is this a metaphor you find intriguing, comforting, or disturbing?  How do you understand it in light of your own experiences of loss?

My notes: I find the metaphor both intriguing and somewhat comforting.  I often think lately that our 'comfortable' American life has insulated us and isolated us from God.  A very dear friend, (who has served as a missionary in a very poor country), once told me that living in a third-world country makes God more real - in a way that He isn't here to us in the States.  In a place of utter lack - you trust God and see Him more clearly simply because He is all there is.  When our lives are torn open - He is the one who is real.  There in the deepest pain - even when we sometimes refuse to know that He is there.  Perhaps - it is in the torn places that we can see because God seems nearer when we don't have barriers of other comforts & distraction?

RG Question: The author's narrative is rich with vivid phrasing and evocative imagery.  What lines or descriptions stand out for you?  Why do you find them to be powerful?

My notes: p 16 "Do we ever think of this busted-up place as the result of us ingrates, unsatisfied, we who punctured it all with a bite? The fruit's poison has infected the whole of humanity.  Me. I say no to what He's given."

and

p 21 "...raw and real, stripped of any theological cliche, my exposed, serrated howl to the throne room."  snip "And I see.  At least a bit more. When we find ourselves groping along, famished for more, we can choose."

This is me... admitting honest & real.   Laying myself open to the reality of how far I fall short of the Sunday morning smile - how much I need Jesus every single day.  How I desperately need his grace pouring - thundering down on me most days.  And how I can choose - choose to live this life, choose to see the grace each day.
And the thesis of the entire book p 23 "A dare to an emptier, fuller life."  Take the dare... journey with me as I explore the truths God has given me through Ann's book.


Blessings on the journey~

Blogging a Bible Study

Today I am home from church sick with a chest-cold and B is also sick with a cold/fever.  We've done the OJ, toast and a game of monopoly so far...
Now he's under 3 blankets on the couch with a Star Wars video and I'm having coffee in front of the computer and trying to figure out a way to make this morning count for something worthwhile.
So I decided that I'll start a few posts from the new study I'm doing with a great bunch of ladies at our church.  We meet every other Monday and are going to work through Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts together.  I stumbled across a reader's guide for the book that has some questions that I'm trying to go through each time we meet.  So far I've been a flop at actually getting all the way through all the notes I take and scriptures that God has shown me in the process, so perhaps putting them here in my corner of cyber-space will make up for that failing in group.

So to begin.... Chapter 1  "an emptier, fuller life"

Page 13: But these aren't things you need to say anyways.  Like all beliefs, you simply live them.
Page 14: I look in the mirror, and if I'm fearlessly blunt  - what I have, who I am, where I am, how I am, what I've got - this simply isn't enough.
Page 15: Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives.  We hunger for something more, something other. 
Page 16: If I'm ruthlessly honest, I may have said yes to God, yes to Christianity, but really, I have lived the no.

These are just a few of the lines I high-lighted in the first pages of the chapter... words that struck a chord deep in me and I could identify.  Shamefully... but true.  I first read Ann's book when it came out early in 2011, and since that time God has taught me much and I am beyond grateful to feel that there is some small measure of progress.  If that is not too bold to admit - but I don't say that with any pride, only with humble thanksgiving that He has counted me worth the time and effort to change my heart, my mind, my life.

Readers Guide Question:  "Quote from above pg 16"  What do you think Ann means by this?  Has this ever been true for you?  If you feel comfortable doing so, describe the experience.

My notes:  I think Ann means she has lived as if God is not a good God - that he lets us down or leaves us to twist in the winds of sorrow & pain.  Even aside from the times in my life when I was living far from my faith - 'back-slidden' to use the churchy words for it - I admit that there have been times when I have struggled with holding to God's goodness in the face of difficulty.  Miscarriage, infant death, then divorce, custody struggles, serious medical issues for my oldest child and then ongoing educational struggles for him.  But on the other side of all those things... I can see how faithful God was even when I was holding Him at arms length.  I was living as if He had taken a vacation from watching over me - but I was the one moving away from Him.

How often are we willing to be so "ruthless" with ourselves?  Honesty is HARD at times ... especially when we feel we are questioning God or even act like we are pounding our fists against His chest in our frustration ... or arrogance?   Behaving like children?  Yet the grace pours - our hearts (our storms) can be calmed by the One who calmed the waves - if we make that choice - to let Him... to SEE Him.

Page 17: "His secret purpose framed from the very beginning [is] to bring us to our full glory." (1 Corinthians 2:7 NEB)
Page 21:"Just that maybe... maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds."  snip "Maybe... I guess... it's accepting there are things we simply don't understand.  But He does."

Readers Guide Question: During their forty years of wandering in the desert, the Israelites survived on a daily diet of manna (Exodus 16).  It is a baffling substance whose name literally means, "What is it?" - but they eat it, are nourished by it, and even seem to like the taste of it (p. 22).  The author makes a connection between manna and the troubling mysteries of our own lives.  How do you respond to the idea that our questions and the things we don't yet understand may actually be sources of spiritual nourishment?  What do you think it might mean, in practical terms, to "eat the mystery."?

My notes: Ephesians 1:6-10 seemed to speak loudly here for me.  Right now - we are only seeing glimpses - we see grace - we have moments when we 'almost' grasp something that pulls us to Christ or perhaps we just cling desperate because we feel like we are blinded by a situation or circumstance - yet we know there are promises in scripture (Romans 8 - right?) that tell us we are safe in Christ.  So in Ephesians 1, verses 9-10 say: "making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth."  This is the mystery - how all this ... the brokenness of the whole world - of hearts & homes - the wounded - and the beautiful... the glorious creation, the laughter, the love - all of it, the grace of a moment and a lifetime.  We cling simply because we must at times - what is the alternative really?  Do we believe we have any more/better control if we reject Christ?  Then it really would be empty beyond redemption and hope... In Christ we have the hope and assurance that at some point - perhaps only in heaven - we will KNOW the mystery.

I'm going to stop here for now... this is way longer than I thought it'd be!  Breaking it up should make for a bit easier reading, and typing! 

Snow and other weirdness

These are photos from my front yard this morning... crazy!  I was NOT looking for a snowstorm this week, in fact, I have a catalog for garden seeds on my nightstand right now and had begun entertaining thoughts of attempting to grow things again this summer. *sigh*  In time I suppose... all this white stuff has to melt soon.. right?
It has been sort of a weird week here in a few ways - not just because of the crazy snow.
Steve and I celebrated our 16th year of wedded wonderful-ness on the 29th of February.  We only have an actual day on the calendar once in 4 years, so this was big.  Normally I would be spoiled with some amazing present from this incredible man who loves me so much, this year we have had some other family financial obligations that trumped frivolous expressions of love (like kitten leg surgery and a new car engine).  I guess this is what happens to old married people. :-)   It is all good - our family come first always and I already have more than enough of everything... I am most blessed among women.
We spent the day together as a family - made it a school holiday for the kids and enjoyed a nice day.  We even had a lovely dinner out together while the kids were at youth group.  I don't remember the last time we sat in a mostly empty restaurant and just talked for an hour after dinner.  It was really great.  Of course the fact that it was a Wednesday off of normal life, and then we had the snowstorm come through and messed up our 'normal' again on Thursday sort of has me all off-kilter now.

Most of the weirdness has been internal for me - emotional & spiritual - as I'm struggling to find some answers and direction with some heavy things in my life. I long desperately to be useful for God... to have my heart broken for the things that break His heart... to serve & love the way Jesus does (and did during his ministry).  To not just have a vertical faith - but to live my faith horizontally.  I want to be a conduit for God's grace in this broken world.

I'm reading a few books at the moment and two of them are about trusting God.  One is for my regular ladies bible study group on Monday nights and the other is part of a daily devotional series I bought through Vision Forum.  Both are excellent.
Today in the devotional book, the author shared 3 scriptures that really struck me.

"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.  He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." ~Deuteronomy 8:2-3

I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.  ~ Job 42:2

Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful. ~James 5:11
 
And then during my regular prayer time and scripture reading I came across this one:
I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself,
    that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps.
Correct me, O Lord, but in justice;
    not in your anger, lest you bring me to nothing. ~Jeremiah 10:23-24

I know God is trying to teach me some hard things... and I know that I am often slow to hear/learn.  I'm very grateful for His infinite mercy & amazing patience with me as I struggle to sort out lessons, truth and direction.  I pray from the depths of my heart for wisdom, discernment and clarity.  I trust Him and know that he has a Sovereign plan.  I long to be part of His Kingdom work in my everyday and anxiously await more and more of Him being poured into my heart/soul/mind so that I might be more like Jesus.


Blessings on the journey~

Pray

Kat from over at Inspired to Action had this amazing post today.
It comes on the heels of a conversation I had with J & B yesterday.  God's timing is always so cool.

I was talking to them about how I pray for them... and that I had recently come to realize that if ... and it's a BIG IF... but IF I had to choose between them being happy, healthy & having all their dreams come true... OR them following Jesus, I would choose for them to follow Jesus.  That is not to say I want my children to be miserable... but I know that true joy comes from Christ - not from the things of this world and especially not the things the world will tell them will make them happy.
Of course I pray for them to be safe, for God to bless them and guard & protect them in all ways (physical, spiritual & emotional).  But my most fervent prayers for them are to follow Christ...sacrificially...completely... sold out to Jesus with every beat of their hearts.  The way that I want to live... the way I struggle to live.

We clicked through from Kat's blog and watched this video of this song... it took my breath away at times.  Watch it intentionally... THINK... FEEL the depths of the words ringing into your heart.  I so hope that someone prays this way for me.

And the beginning of Francis Chan's sermon after the song has me intrigued... I'm going to see if I can scout up a link to that as well to watch/listen.  If I can find it I will try to come back and add it here later.

UPDATE: Found it!  Go here and scroll to the sermon "Power" by Francis on 7/6/08.  We are listening to it while J does her Algebra test (at her request).




Blessings on the journey,

Standard of Grace

Today I stepped way, way out of my comfort zone. 
And shockingly... I didn't die.  I didn't even throw up.  
Yay me!
Actually... Yay God!  Because it was only by His grace that today happened and the really awful part didn't happen (that would be the throwing up part). :-) 
I found this graphic and thought it was perfectly marvelous and so timely for me today!
Today was good... and hard... and terrifying... but mostly good.  And the parts that I'm so certain weren't so good - in my head (at the moment- in my insecurities) - and that didn't go as I'd planned, etc.  Those are still okay... because no one else knows what was in my head or plans.  ;-)
It was my expectations of me... and those all sort of fell apart as I sat around the table this morning with this completely amazing group of women. 
Nine of them and I was so scared! 
But they were so gracious, so thoughtful, sometimes funny, and so genuine & real... their faces and hearts smiling.  Words came... ideas were shared... some scriptures were read - though not as many as I'd had written out on pages of notebook paper and bookmarked in my bible.  
God was there... I'm sure of it. 
He meets us where we are... in the messy, in the scary, in the hard... and walks alongside holding our hands or simply carrying us fully in His loving embrace. 

And I am so thankful.

Blessings on the journey,

Kisses From Katie

Oh my heart....
A dear friend sent me a link to this blog (Kisses from Katie)... J & I watched the video on the sidebar (Katie's story) and my heart ached to be like this amazing young woman!   It is the same ache I had last year when I read the book Radical by David Platt.  J was immediately fascinated with the story.

I have wish-listed Katie's book.  I'm sure my parents will not be happy when J reads it.... her heart is already soaring to other lands when she reads missionary biographies. God is going to send my girl someplace...I'm certain of it.  This is just the sort of story J loves... and I think... the story she dreams of living for Jesus.

Falling Down and Up

When was the last time you fell down?

I mean really fell down - as in skinned hands & knees, limping home with tears in the corners of your eyes.  Were you 6 or 7 and pushed your bike home sniffling and thinking angry thoughts at the two-wheeled death trap that had caused your pain...vowing to never-ever ride again? At least not until well after mom had tortured you with some soap & water and maybe antiseptic spray and a few bandages. Remember those times?

I fell down yesterday.... and at my age and current level of non-fitness, it was a spectacularly UN-graceful fall that resulted in not only the aforementioned skinned hands & knees but a lovely cut right across the bridge of my nose.  Yes - I managed a face-plant into the pavement!  Now that takes some talent when all you are doing is walking the dog. Seriously....who falls down and hurts themselves like that walking the dog on a nice, faux-spring day?
Answer:  Me.
Well... I'm sure that other people manage some pretty dandy injuries doing some other non-dramatic things as well, but I'm considering that I may have a unique talent in this area.  I don't hurt myself often, (and I don't consider myself klutzy at all), but when I do hurt myself... they tend to be pretty awful and painful injuries doing mundane and normal things.  At Christmas this year I threw my back out while tying the lace on my slipper.  Several years ago I sliced my finger open  - with my wedding ring - while I was simply closing a storm door.  Can't say that I don't have my talents.

As for the "up" part?  That was afterwards...
When I fell, I was out with Piper alone and we were about a half-mile or so from home.  So I dusted myself off best I could - not realizing that the bridge of my nose was bleeding (I just knew my face hurt & a nasty headache had begun) - and we headed back home...slowly... limping a little... and yes, there were a few tears in the corners of my eyes and I was almost tempted to think angry thoughts at the dog for tripping me.  But as we made our way along ... there was a warm breeze, the sun was glorious and the sky....oh the sky!  The most gorgeous blue!
All of a sudden I felt a smile... really... it was pretty funny.  I'm almost 42... I was walking the dog on a nice day.... and I face-plant on the side of the road?  Seriously?   You can laugh...  It is really pretty ridiculous!

Before I fell, I'd been thinking about a new book study I'm going to be starting in a week.  It's something that I've felt that God wants me to do for quite a while and when the opportunity was offered, I said yes.  Willingly, but with lots of insecurity. 
As I walked... I was thanking God for the gifts of the day and then I started thinking a bit about the study, then I started to worry about how I was not equipped to lead this particular group of women.  Really... I bet lots of these women have forgotten more about scripture than I will ever know.  They've served God for years (here and abroad), finished college, are smart, talented, gifted & accomplished and they have some style! What am I thinking that I'm going to offer them?
And then -  WHAM!  I fell.  Concentration shattered - focus shift onto my immediate pain & minor embarrassment (a total stranger saw me fall). 
But as I was going home....the sky and sunshine... gifts from the God who loves me so much.  I could be thankful to God for those gifts even with my skinned hands/knees and aching face.
Why?  Because they were there... and I chose to see them as gifts. 

And the study?  It isn't about me!  I don't HAVE to be equipped!  Okay... maybe that doesn't make sense. But this verse popped into my head while I was washing blood off my nose...
2 Corinthians 12:9   But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

People, you don't get much weaker feeling than lying on your face on the side of the road. 
This study group opportunity is one that God has given me... He has a reason and He knows all about me. He must have a plan.  And because I said 'yes' to doing this.... He will use me  - somehow... perhaps in spite of myself.  Only because the deepest desire of my heart is to be useful for His purposes and to bring Him glory.... and I said 'yes'.  Stepping really far outside my comfort zone to do something that makes my throat tight but my heart leap with anticipation of joy.  I am so excited to see what is going to happen in the coming weeks!  God is going to do .... stuff!  And He is letting me be part of it!
I am so thankful to see this gift... and am looking forward to counting all the ones to come.

Blessings on the journey~

(Walk carefully!)